im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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