I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
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I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
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Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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