Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
