i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
