just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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