Only a mothe r could love this liver
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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