if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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