you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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