"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
