I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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