I wish I could teleport
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
