True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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