Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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