I wish my penis had an off switch
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
