you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize