I like to think it a success when the cops are called
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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