my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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