Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
