it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
