I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
