You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
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He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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