come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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