we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
