new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
