i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
