remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
