We won't sleep together?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
