I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
