hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
