i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
