I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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