I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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