the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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