My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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