I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
