I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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