The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
