Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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