I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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