i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
