You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
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I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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