i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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