coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
