Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
