2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
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I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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