i need an iv and a liver transplant
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
