Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
