Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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