As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
