my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
someone owes me an orgasm
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
