he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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