our cab driver is having phone sex.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
