well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
