good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
