I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
