question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
