I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
