if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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