So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
