When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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