Where are you?
In a non slutty way
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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